Past few days havenâ€™t been good. Murphyâ€™s Law came true couple of times & Iâ€™m not very happy about it. I seriously donâ€™t know whatâ€™s going wrong. Logic isnâ€™t helping. Common Sense wonâ€™t come to rescue. The number of electric signals that are processed by my brain has reached a new peak. I seem to have no control over anything.
The Big K does not feel like The Big K anymore.
The feeling of desperation is deep within. The sense of uneasiness is bringing me down. How do you feel when you realize that youâ€™ll have to start everything from scratch again? Every neuron in my brain is shrinking. Know the feeling in your throat that doesnâ€™t let you complete the thoughts?
Iâ€™ve been questioning myself. Repeatedly. Iâ€™m challenging myself to do the things Iâ€™ve never done before. Situations make me feel that everything is against me. Iâ€™m hitting back at everything, for I want things to happen the way I wish. Iâ€™ve done that in past and lost. The fear of starting over again is pulling me back from taking steps. But every cell in my body is revolting, wanting me to take that step. Iâ€™m at yet another cross-road & I donâ€™t know which way is right.
I know I’m right. But unless it prove it, I can’t get my answers. If I mess up, I’ll lose what gave me confidence & happiness in past. Sometimes in life, you just can’t afford to go wrong. Yet, you cannot make all decisions; for someone else needs to take them.
Yet, there is a big light of hope that constantly glows in my subconscious mind. It tells me I’m going to have it done the way I want. Once I do it, I will change. I won’t be the same man I’ve been so far. I want to try & run for everything that I wish in my life. Next time when I stop, I want to see myself as a better & a grown up person.
Finally, I want to remain worthy of what I’ve received in life.
-The Big K-