It isn’t very hard to please the Indian movie goers. I’ve became so expert in predicting whether a movie will be hit or not that I am already planning to start a consultancy service to all the producers of bollywood. My service will be simple – I’ll read the script and tell whether the producer should really invest money in the movie. In order to lower my future burden of going through tons of movie scripts, I’ve decided to come up with guidelines for bollywood and Indian TV script writers –
Bollywood Movie Script: –
1. Should have a hero with slightly longer hair than most of the Indian men. My research shows that no matter how bad the script is, any movie will do fine if the Hero has longer hair. So why not make a provision for the it in the script itself? Don’t remind me of the exceptions like Bobby Deol, Akshay Kumar, Aamir Khan. They are legends.
2. The heroine has to be ‘chulbuli’. That means, she must follow her heart and do things restricted by her parents. That way, she’ll get into various kinds of trouble and have a chance for the hero to protect her.
3. The script should provision for a comic character, no matter what the subject of the movie is. Now you know why Ram Gopal Verma’s movies are flop. They miss the point.
4. Make hero & heroine’s single parents (cost cutting??) ‘odd’ – That is make Anupam Kher, Kirron Kher do unusual things.
5. Add some seriousness with an incurable disease to someone who should die towards the end of the movie.
Any average movie with these elements should do fine and earn the producers a profit of few crores.
Indian Television Script:
1. Make the protagonist lady either 1. Chulbuli who gets into trouble OR 2. Serious dumbass who gets into trouble.
2. Make her life worse.
3. …and then more worse.
4. ….and then more more worse worse.
5. Provide her means to overcome situations.
6. Have cute looking kids who act 10 times their age an integral part of the protagonist lady’s problem solving process.
…you got the point.
-The Big K–